June 15, 2019
From the bed. When I can’t sleep.

It’s been 11 days.

And I still can’t breathe.

I’m tired all the time and I can’t sleep.

And my brain feels like taffy, stretched one thousand different ways and my body feels like some sort of technical automation is…

June 5, 2019
The day after. Sitting on the plane.

Don’t forget, don’t forget, don’t forget.

Don’t forget how it felt to hold his hand. How when he was tired he’d have me sit close, knee to knee, at the edge of our chairs. How he’d rest his forehead in…

May 29, 2019
When you feel like you’re losing.

I am scared all the time. Scared and helpless. And the helpless part is worse than the fear. I can handle the fear. I can avoid the what-ifs. I can exist off of next steps and next doses needed.

Cool cloth…

May 23, 2019
Chemotherapy has nothing on fear.

They tell you a lot about the poisons that come with a cancer diagnosis.
They tell you a lot about the drugs.
They tell you a lot about the chemotherapy.
They tell you…a lot.

But there are other, very real poisons they…

May 17, 2019
He is a warrior.

“A little bit of fear, and the right amount of faith.”

A shaky, Instagram video proclamation from his hospital bed. He flashes a half-smile. Heartbreaking and hopeful. This is our warrior. This is our guy. He’s got this. And we’ve got him.

We are finding faith we don’t have, building it out of his words, wearing it like armor across recently-hollowed chests, and preparing for battle.

May 10, 2019.
The day everything changed.

I got the phone call in the shower. So I wrote this on my phone, body numb, hands shaking, water rushing over my head in a way that felt as suffocating as the news.

I wish there was a part before the…

Dev Machette

27. My dad died after a 24 day battle with cancer. Here are some stream of consciousness journal entries from before, during and after.

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